Rattler

Redneck tip of the Day: If you’re not sure if there’s a sleeping grizzly in a dark cave, don’t go shouting and throwing rocks in there. You, for dang sure will regret it!

Still camping on the Green River. In fact I think we might just follow it down for a while. I’m one hundred percent sure we might be in Colorado now, it is very colorful. Much more than Wyoming. Our luck ain’t been so good on the river lately. We haven’t seen a single fish in days. These fish are more shy than a constipated turd. 

Which brings me to my dang point. Pablo, Moonshine, and I was having another bad day of fishing on the river. And once again, the fish weren’t bitin’, so we started a fightin’. Moonshine was having another one of his “deep thoughts.” He said God was punishing us with no fish for our sinful ways. And of course Pablo’s over there nodding his head in agreement. 

Look, I am not a close-minded person. I have a real respect for all people and such, even if their beliefs are just plain stupid, which most of them are. Heck, I even had a friend who tried yoga once. Well he was more of an acquaintance, but still, he stretched his parts till he tore something. Didn’t never do yoga again! Ha! So anywho, this here is what we said.

Me: Moonshine, I’m tired of your preaching. You know that I believe in dang science. I ain’t never seen no proof that God exists. You show me a sign and maybe, just maybe I’ll start believing. Show me proof! Proof is in the puddin’!

Now mind you, I’m not very superstitious but things got real quiet, real quick. Pablo closed his eyes and made a sign of the cross and Moonshine started backing away from me. That’s when we heard the rattler, I kid you not.

I slowly turned around to see a rattler on the hill was just a short ways behind me all coiled up and ready strike. He was staring me right in the eyes. It’s strange that my first thought was I’m glad I wore my green and brown camo shorts. Cuz’ I literally crapped myself. I shit you not!

Anywho, not to draw this out any longer than I already have, but Pablo reached for his camera, which scared Moonshine, which scared the snake, which scared me and we all took off screaming, except for the snake, of course. Luckily, once we got away, I saw that he hadn’t even come near bittin’ me. Guess I dooked my daises for nothing.

So anywho, Moonshine and Pablo say I should thank God I’m still alive. I’m still not fully convinced there is a God out there but, Hey if there is, the next round is on me. I’m interested to hear what your class thinks of rattlers Juan. Feel free to leave your messages while I dry my trousers.

GETTA BOOK!

P&P